Beginning Therapy

Okay, tomorrow is my first appointment with my therapist.  I found him on the internet by googling "therapist" and "OCD."  It looks as though he's had some experience treating this disorder, so I figured I would give him a shot.  I realize I may need medication which will have to be prescribed by a psychiatrist, but I want to talk to the therapist first.  I've always been afraid of going on meds because I've heard how they can turn you into a zombie which is not exactly the effect I'm looking for.  If I could control the OCD, I wouldn't even be going to this appointment tomorrow.  But I've given up trying to ignore it or control it myself.  It's just not possible.

I've had OCD since I was a kid, but it never bothered me that much back then.  I used to count the number of words people said, or I would have to say things a certain number of times (if not out loud, at least in my head).  I also had rituals like the bedtime ritual where I had to look at each corner of the room's ceiling and then the center before closing my eyes.  If I opened my eyes again before falling asleep, I had to do the ritual all over again.  Things got much worse for me when I was 23.  I went through a period of intense stress (mostly over a relationship, but other things were going on too), and I developed new symptoms that would eventually take over my life.  I began making lists in my head.  These lists were "magical thinking" lists, as I would imagine them taking place as I named each item.  For example, the list could be a litany of things that were wrong with me physically (nose too big, ears stick out, zits, etc. etc.).  I would sometimes hold my breath going through the list until my heart would pound or skip a beat, reminding me of reality for a moment.  But as I went through the list, I would imagine my nose becoming perfect, my ears becoming perfect, etc.  Of course, I knew in my rational mind that nothing was changing, but I couldn't stop myself from going through the lists.  One time it was a list of banks and the amount of money I had in each one (I actually had no money in any of them).  The lists demanded to be cycled through every day; a stressful day would involve many more cycles than a good day.  The lists have made it difficult for me to function on a day-to-day basis.  I feel as though my life is passing me by and I'm just sitting and watching it pass.

The breaking point for me came when I got a divorce.  I knew I would need to depend on myself now, financially and otherwise.  It's been a while since I've had a job, and it was difficult in the past to keep a job.  As soon as I would get bored at work, I would spend all day making lists and the quality of my work would start a downward spiral.  So I'm forced to do something.  I'm moving into my own apartment next week, and I have to find a way to be productive.