7th Group Therapy Session

Today's session started with a lot of silence.  Our therapist usually lets a lengthy silence pass before he asks what we think the silence is about.  At first, I was sleepy, and then as the silence continued, I began to get restless and I wished someone would say something.  Other people thought the silence was relaxing, an oasis of sorts from life's everyday demands.  

Once people began to talk, though, the session became interesting.  I found out new things about several of the members, and talked briefly about trying to make the decision to move in with my mom or keep my apartment.  I haven't been here (my treasured tiny apartment) much lately; taking care of my mom is a 24-7 job.  I am immensely enjoying my freedom, but it looks as though the right thing to do is postpone my single life a bit.  I feel some resentment toward my mother due to the fact that I never felt nurtured by her as a child, but I can't leave all the work for my brother.  So I feel as though I'm putting on the "dutiful daughter" mask for now.

Otherwise, we talked about drinking issues, delayed sexual experiences, and working to help the world's poor.  I have mixed feelings about this last discussion.  I tend to mistrust those who devote their lives (or say that they do) to "good works."  I'm sure there are a lot of genuinely kind-hearted people in the world, and without them, the world would be much the worse.  But for every genuine soul who wants to help, there are others who just want to be seen helping, or who want to make a name for themselves as a "saviour" of some sort.  I thought a lot about my perception of this inclination on the drive home, and I think that maybe I'm just too introverted to understand.  I don't mean that I'm shy, just predominantly  inwardly-focused.  In order to dedicate your life to helping others, you probably need to be extroverted, or predominantly concerned with what's going on outside of you.  So maybe my reaction to the girl who's interested in world peace and ending hunger is entirely unfounded.  It seemed to put an instant wall between us; now I think that wall was erected by the opposite tendencies in our personalities.  She looks out; I look in.  Maybe that's why she's normally so quiet in group; she's focusing on us, not herself.  Which, actually, compels me to ask the question: Why is she in group therapy?

6th Group Therapy Session

I was the first to arrive at group (as usual, since it's a long drive for me and so I leave home two hours early).  I spoke to the therapist who asked how I was doing, and if maybe I would feel like talking to the group about my depression from yesterday and the night before.  I wasn't sure I would be able to talk about it: first of all, it's a complicated relationship issue, and it's still freshly painful, but I told him I would try.  But after the first few minutes of group, one of the girls asked me how I was.  Maybe she could sense that I was feeling down, or that something was different about my demeanor.  So I opened up and told them the whole sordid story about the online ex-"boyfriend" and the craziness that happened over the weekend.

After dumping me before my surgery because I didn't want him to come take care of me, he sends me some IMs on Friday night and Saturday morning.  Over the month that we didn't speak, I tried to stop thinking about him, but I found that almost impossible.  His messages said that he missed me, he felt he made a mistake & that he had ruined things between us, and he asked me to call him.  So I did, like a complete fool.  I had discovered him on a web site chatting with women and other unsavory activities.  I realized that he wasn't on the site until after we had our misunderstanding, so I wasn't terribly upset, but I did want to make sure that he was honest with me.  So I asked him if he had been chatting with anyone over the last month, and he said no.  I said, "Are you sure?"  Still the answer was that he had not chatted with anyone, he was not on any sites like that.  I gave him plenty of chances to come clean, making hints, calling him his code name on the site (which I had never called him before).  He still denied it.  When I finally confronted him about the site, he said, "Oh, that one."  Then, of course, he tried to explain it away.  I let it go and talked about meeting him at some point.  As soon as we hung up from the phone, I noticed a new Instant Message from him on my screen.  It basically said, "After our talk, I don't think we should do anything.  OK.  Bye."  We chatted for a few moments about it, but came to the conclusion that it was over between us.  

The next morning, I got word that my cousin Melvin had died.  This was the third death in a month for family members or friends, and I began thinking of the brevity of life.  I decided to send him a long email in which I poured my heart out to him, telling him that I would drive to Kansas as soon as I could, and we could make our final decision in person.  I got no response.  

Without going into all the details, on Wednesday night, I found out just how low he was, that he had lied to me on more than one occasion, that he didn't think of me as anyone special, that he would say all those "special" things to any woman and that he had no interest in my coming to Kansas.  I felt heartbroken.  I cried all night.  The next morning, I missed an appointment with my therapist because I couldn't get out of bed until almost 1:00.  

I've since been trying to get rid of my feelings for him, and I think I've been successful for the most part now.  I was amazed at how just talking about it in group today made me feel so much better.  One of the guys even said, "I want to drive to Kansas and kick him in the balls," which made me feel that someone cares about me, that I am protected by the good in this world.  I felt sympathy from everyone in the room.  I think a lot of people out there know what it's like to believe in someone who makes you feel special, who tells you he loves you, only for you to discover that he tells the same thing to many women.  I knew intellectually that he was not right for me from the beginning, but I ignored my thoughts and relied too heavily on feelings alone.  He made me feel good, and there was a definite interest in the way he looked, which only makes me feel more shallow now.  I poured my heart out to him in that email Sunday morning only to get no response from him.  This made me realize that he is not capable of the deep thought and feeling that I need from a relationship.  Not to sound like a snob, but he's not smart enough for me either, not deep enough, not sensitive enough, not even interesting enough.  He's a liar and a bullshitter and I'm glad I found out the truth before I ever met him and possible became even more involved.

The sad thing is that despite this revelation, I still feel as though I want to check my email or IM to see if he has sent me anything.  I want to look at the web site he is on where he chats with other women to see what he's doing.  But I know the best thing for me is to just go cold turkey and delete every reference I have of him in my phone and computer.  I deleted his photos from my cell phone today, but that's as far as I've gotten.  I still see his face in my mind and find myself drawn to him.  

I feel a little better tonight also.  I'm hoping that soon I will think of him only in anger and disgust, and that those feelings will not last long as well before his memory is just an afterthought, a paltry thing filed away in my subconscious.  

2nd Missed Private Session

I missed my private session with the therapist today.  I was so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed until almost 1:00.  I was awake, but I just lay there, unable to function.  I heard my therapist calling (my ring tone for him is Patsy Cline's "Crazy"), but I couldn't even answer it.  I'm feeling a little better tonight.  I'm going to send him an email before I go to bed so that he knows what happened to me, and that I will try to be in group tomorrow.  

Third Visit with Psychiatrist

Today I saw my psychiatrist for the third time.  He wanted to review with me to see how well the medications are working.  I told him about the things that have been going on in my life, and that I had gotten somewhat off schedule with the meds because of everything (mainly staying with my mom so much).  He talked to me a bit about it, and I thought he would say to continue with the current dosage, but instead he increased my Prozac from twice a day to three times a day.  He also refilled my Xanax, realizing that I would need it for a while longer due to all the stress in my life at the moment.  So now I am taking 60 mg of Prozac a day.  It should take about 6 weeks to see the full effect of the change, so that's when I'll be returning to see him.

5th Group Therapy Session

Today the therapist asked the group if anyone wanted to know anyone else in the group better.  A girl said she wanted to know more about me, I suppose because I'm the newest member.  She asked how I met my husband.  Soooo...... I told them the entire crazy story from start to finish.  Normally, I either tell people that I met him while on vacation in Jerusalem, or that I married him as a favor to a friend to bring him into this country.  Neither of those things is true.  It started with a serious bout of depression.  I had just divorced my 1st husband.  I felt miserable, and wondered why every choice I had made in life up to that point had seemed to be the wrong choice.  I didn't believe in God, but I prayed that night in bed before falling asleep.  I asked God to tell me what to do to be happy and I would do it.  I would submit to his will (which always makes me think of Lucifer in Paradise Lost who says, "I will not submit.").  But I said I would do whatever he told me to do, and I meant it.  

That night I had a dream.  It was very vivid, and in the dream I was getting married.  I was entering a marriage that had been "arranged" for me by my friend Nasser at university.  I couldn't see the groom's face in the dream, but I felt so completely happy, no, joyful, that when I awoke, the feeling of joy lasted with me all day long.  That night I went to class and saw Nasser sitting in the courtyard.  I sat next to him and was very tempted to say, "Okay, who do you want me to marry?"  But not wanting to initiate such a thing, I talked about casual matters.  Within a few minutes, Nasser began to talk about his nephew, Fareed, who he thought would make an excellent match for me.  He asked me if I would write to him, and I instantly agreed.  Without the dream, I never would have considered such a thing.  My rational mind would have overruled that possibility immediately.  But knowing that I had told God that I would do whatever he/she told me to do if I only knew what it was... Well, to make a long story short, I flew to the Middle East a month later, met Fareed, and married him five days afterwards.  

I think the group was pretty stunned at my revelation.  Most American women do not have arranged marriages.  Most people do not take their dreams that seriously.  They said I took a huge risk, but at the time, I didn't feel my actions were risky at all.  I felt confident that the  universe would not steer me in the wrong direction.  In other words, I trusted some seemingly "outside force" much more than I trusted my own judgment.  And even though things don't seem to have worked out ideally, I think the universe was right in putting us together.  I can't imagine never having met him and never having loved him.  There seems to be such a purity of spirit in Fareed; I have faith in many things now because of him.  

4th Group Therapy Session