4th Session

I've been on Prozac and Xanax for almost a week now, and my psychologist could tell.  He said I seemed a bit slower and perhaps a little "spacey."  He said it was normal and would probably go away after my body adjusted to the dosage.  He also told me I didn't need to take the full dose of Xanax; it's up to me how often I need it.  I can take half a pill or a whole pill up to 3 times a day.  But if I don't feel as though I'm having any anxiety, I can cut down on it.  I told him how I fell off the desk chair twice the first night; he said that's the Xanax.  So maybe I'll take his advice and cut down on it a little.  

We went over the answers from my homework.  He had asked me to bring in pictures of my family when I was a child, but I haven't found any yet.  I don't personally own any, so I'm going to have to go to my parents' house and look for some.  I also agreed to start group therapy on the 1st of February.  They meet at 9:00 in the morning which will be a struggle for me since I live so far away, but I think this might be a good thing for me, so I'm going to do it anyway.  

On my new meds

Okay, I started taking my new meds yesterday.  I feel very sleepy and spacey and also uncoordinated.  I tried to do some work at the computer earlier, but I fell off the desk chair twice.  The second time, I just lay in the floor for a while.  It's not an uncomfortable feeling; I feel very relaxed.  Maybe just too relaxed.  I feel as though a train could crash through my wall and I would just say "far out."  

1st Visit with Psychiatrist

Today I saw the psychiatrist for the first time.  His practice is described as being "progressive," and I'm not exactly sure what that means, but his office was very mod and homey.  His receptionist seems nice, and the office has a very laid-back feeling to it.  The psychiatrist himself has a dog in his office which I thought was very cool.  He was very personable and frank, and he sat at a computer typing in my answers to his questions.  He thoroughly screened me for OCD, asking all sorts of questions about how it manifested itself in my life.  He asked if I was a germaphobe (which I'm not since I've eaten food off the floor before).  I'm not a hand-washer or a "checker" (making sure the oven's off, etc.).  I guess I'm concerned more with numbers, evenness, and symmetry.  When I pass a road sign or see a box of cereal, I have to pair up the letters to ensure that there are an even number of letters.  When someone speaks, I pair up the syllables in their sentence.  If words or syllables are odd in number, I have to make it even by adding a word.

After his lengthy questioning, he turned to me and began discussing medications that could be useful to me.  He prescribed Xanax (generic Alprazolam) and Prozac (generic Fluoxetine), the Xanax being for anxiety (which makes the OCD worse), and the Prozac for the OCD itself.  I'll start by taking one Prozac (20mg) a day for the first week.  Thereafter, I'll take 2 a day.  The Xanax (0.5mg) is 1 pill 3 times a day.  I asked him if I could chew these or open a capsule into something like applesauce since I have problems swallowing pills.  He's the first doctor in my life that has not been surprised by that question.  He told me I could chew the Xanax (although it will taste bad), and I can open the Prozac capsule into juice or another liquid to take.  He asked me if I had a fear of choking, and I admitted I did.  When my mother would get really mad at me as a child, she would sometimes put her hands around my neck as though she were going to choke me.  Even now, I don't like anyone putting his hands on my neck, and I don't wear short necklaces or tight round shirt collars.  The psychiatrist is used to people who have such fears and knows exactly how we can take each med.  He said the drugs should start to help within a month, so I'll see him again on February 21 to discuss my results.  

I really liked the psychiatrist, and drove home feeling very hopeful that my life was beginning to move in the right direction.  

3rd Session

I was actually on time to my therapy session today!  I have to drive all the way across town to get there, but I gave myself extra time today because I hate being late (not to mention that I have to pay for the full session whether I'm there or not).  I had trouble completing the buttons and triggers questions from the last homework.  I can't really think of what pushes my buttons, although I'm sure there are things that do.  He instructed me to pay attention to what I'm feeling as I try to answer the questions, whereas I had just been focused on answering them.  He wants me to think about what emotions and memories the questions invoke, and whether they open up doors that have perhaps been closed or unvisited for some time.  

We discussed the possibility of me joining group therapy as well.  He thinks it might be beneficial for me to hear what other people have to say who are perhaps dealing with some of the same relationship and personal issues as I am.  I don't believe any of them have OCD, so I'm not sure how it will help me, but I trust my therapist and think it might be interesting.  It will also be cheaper if I can replace some of his sessions with group sessions since they're less than half the cost and last an hour and a half as opposed to 45 minutes.  I told him I would think about it, and he gave me some papers to read about how group therapy works.  He gives me more homework, a sheet of questions on "Healthy Protest - Anger & Assertiveness."

  

2nd Session

I was late to my second session (very late, actually, because of an accident on the expressway), so we didn't have much time (again!) to talk.  But we went over the homework I had completed and discussed the possibility of my seeing a psychiatrist as well.  He explained that the most effective treatment for me would probably be a mixture of medication and therapy.  I asked about the side effects of the drugs, and he assured me that they're much better these days; people are not sitting around drooling on themselves anymore.  I told him I was worried about losing my creativity, as I'm a poet currently working on a novel.  He said he didn't think the meds would interfere with that.  Since I haven't been able to write in a long time anyway due to the lists, I figured it couldn't hurt to try medication.  He referred me to a psychiatrist and told me he would call ahead and discuss my case with him (I had to sign a waiver to allow him to do this).  I'll call sometime this week and make an appointment.  Before I left, he gave me more homework, this time a sheet of questions relating to "buttons and triggers."  

1st Session

Today was my first session with the psychologist.  I didn't know what to expect.  Most of my ideas of what psychologists do come from TV and movies (The Bob Newhart Show, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest).  I did sit on a leather sofa (although I didn't recline like one of Freud's patients).  He sat across from me in a chair that looked like it came from IKEA.  His office is small and unpretentious; he doesn't even have a receptionist.  I found I liked him, that his personality and manner seemed compatible with mine.  He seems very intelligent and thoughtful.  He didn't take notes during the session (which I guess I had expected him to do because of media depictions of psychologists).  Instead, he seemed to pay complete attention to me, maintaining eye contact and even making sympathetic gestures.  I guess I had expected someone more aloof.  

We talked about my symptoms, my divorce, a brief overview of what's going on with me lately and what I might could gain from therapy.  I was late to the appointment because I got lost, so we didn't have the full 45 minutes.  But it was enough time for me to decide I liked him, that I could talk to him honestly and openly (at least I'm going to try my best in this regard), and so I made a second appointment with him for next week.  He gave me some "homework" to do, a sheet of questions to answer concerning my experiences with forming relationships and getting support from others.  I consider myself to be quite introspective naturally, but the questions seem to help me focus on things I might not otherwise have given much thought to.  

Beginning Therapy

Okay, tomorrow is my first appointment with my therapist.  I found him on the internet by googling "therapist" and "OCD."  It looks as though he's had some experience treating this disorder, so I figured I would give him a shot.  I realize I may need medication which will have to be prescribed by a psychiatrist, but I want to talk to the therapist first.  I've always been afraid of going on meds because I've heard how they can turn you into a zombie which is not exactly the effect I'm looking for.  If I could control the OCD, I wouldn't even be going to this appointment tomorrow.  But I've given up trying to ignore it or control it myself.  It's just not possible.

I've had OCD since I was a kid, but it never bothered me that much back then.  I used to count the number of words people said, or I would have to say things a certain number of times (if not out loud, at least in my head).  I also had rituals like the bedtime ritual where I had to look at each corner of the room's ceiling and then the center before closing my eyes.  If I opened my eyes again before falling asleep, I had to do the ritual all over again.  Things got much worse for me when I was 23.  I went through a period of intense stress (mostly over a relationship, but other things were going on too), and I developed new symptoms that would eventually take over my life.  I began making lists in my head.  These lists were "magical thinking" lists, as I would imagine them taking place as I named each item.  For example, the list could be a litany of things that were wrong with me physically (nose too big, ears stick out, zits, etc. etc.).  I would sometimes hold my breath going through the list until my heart would pound or skip a beat, reminding me of reality for a moment.  But as I went through the list, I would imagine my nose becoming perfect, my ears becoming perfect, etc.  Of course, I knew in my rational mind that nothing was changing, but I couldn't stop myself from going through the lists.  One time it was a list of banks and the amount of money I had in each one (I actually had no money in any of them).  The lists demanded to be cycled through every day; a stressful day would involve many more cycles than a good day.  The lists have made it difficult for me to function on a day-to-day basis.  I feel as though my life is passing me by and I'm just sitting and watching it pass.

The breaking point for me came when I got a divorce.  I knew I would need to depend on myself now, financially and otherwise.  It's been a while since I've had a job, and it was difficult in the past to keep a job.  As soon as I would get bored at work, I would spend all day making lists and the quality of my work would start a downward spiral.  So I'm forced to do something.  I'm moving into my own apartment next week, and I have to find a way to be productive.