5th Session

I really felt I needed this session.  I've been stressed all week from various things; I've even been waking at night with my heart racing feeling as though I'm having a full-blown panic attack.  The surgery scheduled for tomorrow is one of my concerns.  I've never been under general anaesthesia before, so I'm a little scared about that.  Two nights ago, my long-distance "boyfriend" whom I met online dumped me, hanging up on me and not answering the frantic calls I made afterward.  He said he was hurt that I didn't let him come down and care for me through my surgery and he felt I was making excuses not to meet him, but I was very uncomfortable with the idea of him staying with me through surgery.  I've never met him, and even though we've talked on the phone for some time now, he still feels like a stranger in that regard.  I don't think I could be comfortable with him caring for me in such an intimate way.  Besides, I'm going to be staying with my parents for a while after surgery, and he told me he thought this was a good idea.  So I was very surprised at his outburst.  My ex was also pushing me this week to come get some things out of the house before he threw them away.  

I had completed a "homework" sheet about loss for this week, and I included on it the loss of my recent "boyfriend."  We talked about it and what his actions tell about him personally.  We also talked about losing my 20-year-old cat in November.  My ex and parents were very supportive of me during that time; they asked if they could do anything for me and treated me almost as though a person had died.  We also discussed my anxiety regarding surgery which the therapist said was a normal feeling. 

We also talked about my impressions of group therapy.  I told him how I was surprised that everyone seems so reluctant to speak; I thought it would be the opposite.  He asked why I had thought that, and I told him because I often had to fight the urge to speak.  In elementary school, I had always been the class clown.  But in seventh grade, one of my teachers had said to me, "You are so obnoxious!"  I didn't know what the word meant, so I went home and looked it up.  It was a strange moment reading the definition, as though I were seeing myself as others did for the first time.  I had never felt self-conscious before; now suddenly, I realized I was being seen in a negative light.  This single statement changed me profoundly as I left elementary school and entered high school.  The pendulum swung in the opposite direction for me, and I became quiet and withdrawn, not wanting to be obnoxious or speak out of turn.  This feeling has stuck with me into my adult life; I no longer know when to speak, what to say or not say; in other words, I don't know where that line lies in interpersonal communications, so I tend to stay as far back from it as possible.  People always comment on how quiet I am, and they think I am shy, but I simply don't know how to approach the line without crossing it.  My therapist said he wants me to share this with the group next time if I don't mind.  Maybe this will inspire a good discussion of how to discover limits in social situations.  Reflecting on the seventh-grade incident, I feel as though that teacher took a part of my personality away from me, and I think I would like to recover this and all the other parts of myself that have been taken away from me over the years.

I left feeling as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  I sang along to the radio on the way home and felt very light and even joyful.  I had had a lot of doubts about the boyfriend which had been causing me stress, but now I could focus on myself for a while without worrying about him.  I decided I would take the proscribed 4 weeks of no physical activity and concentrate on simply healing myself, physically and otherwise.